British English

“Di ko sure kung ma-re-receive ko ‘yung e-mail sa akin ng kausap kong Briton,” I told Zinnia.
“Bakit?” she asked.
“Paano ang sabi n’ya and surname ko raw eh Beldedayra. Di ko sure kung tama ‘yung ise-send n’ya,” I answered, “Nakakaasar ang mga Briton, mali-mali ang English nila. Manong sabihin ng maayos ang mga letters”
She chuckled, “Sila pa ba ang mali? Eh ikaw nga lang ang nanghihiram ng salita nila.”

 

Batang Berdugo 2

I called up Akemi, my niece in Japan, today because it’s her birthday.

“Aki! Happy Birthday!”
“Thank you po, Tito,” she answered.
“Ilang taon ka na?”
“Six.”
“Miss mo na Tito?”
“Opo,” she then followed it up with a few suck up lines, “Kapag namatay nga si Mama, sa’yo ko gusto tumira eh.”
Then I heard my sister in the background, “Put@!#$%! Pinatay mo na agad Mama mo!”

 

Sleep Talkin’ 7: Aswang!

So here’s my room set up in Dubai: one room split into two — one is for bunk bed buddies, Ronald and me while the other half is for Meynard.
Two weeks ago, Meynard’s wife arrived and shared his half. Unfortunately for her she was not orientated that someone (*wink) in the other partition sleep talks.

One night, while she was sleeping cozily beside her husband, she heard a loud scream, “Aswang! Aswang!”
She was so damn scared.

Hahahaha!

 

Dude! Gel Not Water

There’s a public drinking fountain(well wala namang private drinking fountain) in St. Mary’s Church here in Dubai. From the outside it looks stereotypical: made of steel, with 3 faucets and a simple sink.

Hey! What’s that sign? Let’s look closer.

Dude! Water is not a styling product nga naman!

 

Batang Berdugo

John is badly teasing his 2-year old son, Miguel.
So the little boy went straight to his lola, “La! La! Di, Patay,”  Lola, patayin mo si daddy.
Lola wanted to please Miguel so he said, “John-john, alis!”
Miguel screamed, “La, wag lis, patay lang.” Lola, wag mo paalisin. Patayin mo lang.

Batang Hardinero Rin

 

Yo! Tem!

I told my sister, “Tem kain tayo dinner?”
“Kuya, dito na lang sa Karama merong Japanese na mura lang.”
“Naaay! D’yan nanaman? Sa Burjuman na lang tayo,” I suggested a mall near the Dubai Metro station.
“Malayo sa akin ‘yun!” it was 4 blocks away from her place, “Saka may Japanese ba dun?”
“Meron kaya dung Yo! Sushi!” I told her, “Medyo mahal pero yun yung gusto mong sushi na umiikot sa belt.”
“Oh sige dun na lang!”
“Malayo sa’yo ‘yun ‘di ba?”
“Hindi! Malapit lang yun.”

Ang kapatid kong adik sa sushi.

 

Farmer Dad

This really made me laugh:

Mayte’s dad, who’s been living in Spain told her, “Anak, mawawalan kami ng internet bukas. Eto ang password ko, i-harvest mo naman ako. Magtanim ka na rin. Ikaw na ang bahala.”

 

Diet Plan

One of my choir-mates was having a hard time losing weight so I advised her, “Heavy breakfast, light lunch tapos walang rice sa dinner.”
“Kaya ko naman ‘yun. Yung mga in-betweens ang mahirap hindi mag-snack.”
“Aaaahhh, try mo peanuts or almonds lang.”
“Oh, kaya ko naman ‘yun,” she answered.
“One piece lang kapag kumalam ang sikmura mo,” I told her.
“Ha!? One piece?” she was shocked.
“Oo. Or isang dakot lang,” I laughed, “Gaano ba karami kinakain mo?”
“Yung isang tetra pack. May ka-share naman ako eh.”
“Ilan ka-share mo? Isang tao?” I kidded.
“Oo,” she got my joke, “1/4 lang sa kanya tapos masama pa ang loob ko.”
“Pero dapat talaga isang piraso lang. Tapos dapat nag-jo-jogging ka rin sa umaga. Anong oras ka bang gumigising?”
“10 AM.”
“Kayang-kaya naman pala eh. Mag-jogging ka ng 7 or 8.”
“Kapalit ng masarap na tulog?” she hesitated, “Ok naman ako eh. Ok na akong ganito. Masaya ako kahit mataba.”

 

Uninviting You In Advance 4

“Ikakasal na si Heart,” I told Aileen about our college classmates upcoming wedding.
“Talaga!? Wow!” she answered.
“Sa Tagaytay. Sa Lourdes ang ceremony, tapos sa Sonya’s Garden ang reception.”
“Wow naman! Tagaytay!”
“Ang yaman ‘di ba? Sa Tagaytay pa talaga,” I told her, “Parang ikaw – sa Tagaytay ka rin kinasal ‘di ba? Ay! Hindi nga ako imbitado,” I really want Aileen to regret not inviting me so I kept reminding her.
“Sorry na nga!”

 

My Japan Confession

I was due for a short vacation in Japan two years back. I’ve booked the ticket through an agency so when I received the ticket I didn’t check the details.
In NAIA, though I know where to check-in and though it was my first time to fly alone, I decided to ask the airport guard, “Boss, dito ba ‘tong flight na ‘to?” showing him my e-ticket.
“Ay, sir,” scratching his head, “Tignan n’yong maigi oh. Bukas pa ho ‘yang flight na ‘yan.”
I immediately called nanay who saw me off, “Nay! Bumalik kayo! Bukas pa ang flight!”

All the efforts of preparing for that flight. Gone! I already told my friends that I’ll be gone that day. Shame! Shame! Shame!
I immediately called ate Pam, my pick up in Japan, “Ate, bukas pa ang flight ko. Mali ang agency!” and did not leave the house that day. Ang alam nila nasa Japan na ako.

The next morning, I was excited again! Japan! Here I come!
“Sir, we’re really sorry, delayed po ang flight today. All passengers will be checked in a hotel or you may opt to choose to go back home and we’ll provide you Php 500.00 for the inconvenience,” said the ground steward on my 2nd attempt to go to Japan.
“Haaaaahhhhhh!?!?!?!?!?!? Babalik nanaman kami????” screamed Nanay, “Oh James (driver), ‘di nanaman tuloy ‘yung flight,” they will pick me up again from NAIA.
I called up Japan again, “Ate, hindi nanaman tuloy. Bukas pa.”
“Ano ba ‘yan!?” Ate Pam, shocked, again, “Excited na kami sa’yo.”
“Eh paano pa ako?”

On my third attempt, nanay told me, “Hindi na kita ihahatid, si James na lang, napapagod na akong maghatid araw-araw. Baka matuloy ka na kapag ‘di kita ihatid,” and I arrived in Japan that day. At last, nakarating din sa Japan. Ang alam ng friends ko three days na ako sa Japan.

Classic Japanese “Peace Sign” in Mt Fuji